The Last Post
TO THE MEMORY OF THE FALLEN AND THE
FUTURE OF THE LIVING
Thursday 3rd November.
I
can’t believe that it’s been 10 months since I started writing this blog, a
fair amount of water has passed under the bridge in that time. Nearly 10,000
hits, and a massive amount of support from the cyber world. This time last year
I felt like I was a fairly young 53 year old, today I feel like a pretty old 54
year old.
It’s now time to put the blog to bed for a while, I know I said a few
months ago, but I now need to concentrate on other things and really start to
get on with my new life, post cancer.
I’m
about 7,000 words into my next book, this one is more “Faction” than #ShouldertoShoulder and I aim to have it finished sometime in early 2017,
there’s no real time pressure, but I want to eradicate the errors I made in
#S2S. I’m aiming for at least 150,000 words for this book, that’ll be somewhere
in the region of 250 pages. #S2S has stopped selling now at 130 copies, but
only 21 reviews, so again, if you’ve read it, please stick up a review. It
could push further sales which will increase the donations to Macmillan and
Berkshire Cancer Centre.
Last
week I had my usual monthly visit to the ENT Dept for a check up. I saw both
Scary and Jo for a change. As usual the appointment was running late, and
equally as usual when I sat down with the terrible twosome I was able to talk
freely and without any time constraints. I’ve been losing a fair amount of
weight since the summer, I’m down to just over 74kg at the time of writing.
Scary is of the opinion that my body is having a reaction to the course of
treatment it was subjected to and that time will be the ultimate healer. Eating
had again become a real challenge. I get halfway through a meal and just don’t
want anymore. Carol has managed to get hold of a pile of Enshake drinks which
were about to go out of date so can’t be used at the hospital. I’m having two
or three of these a day, as well as trying to eat normally, but the weight
won’t go back on for some reason. Jo spent a good half hour with me after Scary
had done her camera job on my throat. It really was a case of back to basics
with her, I felt almost as if I was back to March this year when I felt so ill.
She advised that I’ve got to stop bottling things up and to talk to people, be
it family, friends or professionals. I’m very conscious that over the past 10
months or so it’s been all about me and the illness and that people must now be
getting sick and tired of it. Change the record Clarky.
Carol
and I finished off the month with a long weekend in Amsterdam, a city we
visited quite regularly when I worked for a Dutch banking group. We hadn’t been
for about 14 years, but nothing much has changed really, other than it was
incredibly busy and the streets seemed strewn with rubbish from overflowing
litter bins well into the late morning. The Red Light district appeared to be even
more seedy that I recall it being in the past, but we didn’t exactly spend long there so no worries. Carol wasn’t
too keen on trying to pay her way on the trip #Stalker
I was a bit disappointed with the
Rijksmuseum, which I found to be little more than a massive art gallery and not
what I’d call a museum in the true sense of the word, mind you I’m not exactly
a culture vulture at the best of times. Amsterdam is a city that can easily be
walked around, and walk we did! I think we probably covered a good 10k on each
of our three days there.
As
mentioned in a previous blog, the food in Holland, if you stick to Dutch food,
can be a bit “strange” however
there’s an abundance of Argentinian steak houses spread around the city. One,
called, Argentinos was where we used to eat when we visited in the past. It was
a real joy to see the restaurant is still standing and serving great steaks and
wonderful Malbec, it’s wasn’t quite so great when they didn’t recognise us
after a gap of a mere 14 years! I’m an avid poster to TripAdvisor when we’ve
been away or on trips, but it’s rare for me to give a 1* review. However Destra
del Ponte was lucky to even get the 1*. A truly awful place, with the worst
service and food I’ve had the misfortune to be on the receiving end of for a
long time. If you’re planning a trip to the Dam, read the reviews first.
Overall
it was a great few day, the weather was kind to us, it’s just a short hop on a
plane and the whole city speaks English. This was our forth holiday since Corfu
in June, and will be the last one of 2016. I get the feeling that Carol is
already making plans for 2017.
Yesterday
saw me rocking up to RBH at 7.30am for hopefully the last procedure I’ll have
to undergo for a few years. It was the day of the magic balloon trick to
expand my throat and enable me to eat properly again and gain some much needed
weight. Mr More Scary than Scary was performing the operation. I hadn’t really
warmed to him in the past, however on the day he seemed almost human and
certainly put my mind at ease. It turns out he’s a rugby fan, so me turning up
in my Rams Hoodie and tracksuit bottoms probably broke the ice a bit. The risks
were minimal, but pretty nasty if they occurred. The upside would be massive,
if it comes off. I next met the Anaesthetist who had been in charge of me for
my last Biopsy back in July. He came up with a bit of a “Left Field” idea for
knocking me out. Those of you with long memories may recall my slight problem I
had with dying when being put under in December. Well his idea was to use the
exact same anaesthetic and see if I was actually allergic to it, or if I’d just
had a bad reaction…………….. Well I’m game for most things at this point of my
life so I agreed to go for it. The fact that I’m writing this blog seems to
prove his “Bad reaction” theory. I woke up a couple of hours later, the
procedure appeared to have gone well, there were no new nasties to see whilst
they were down there. The balloon was inflated, my throat was expanded and a
day later it still feels like I’ve been gargling razor blades! I’ve been
advised to rest up and take it easy over the weekend, so I’ll take them at
their word for it. The nurse who was looking after me in the Recovery Suite
seemed to take a great interest in the treatment I’ve been through to date and
asked lots of pretty pertinent questions, including how I was trying to manage
my weight loss. Her advice, which I’ll follow, is to only weigh myself once a week, not daily like I’ve been doing
for months. That was it gives any swings or roundabouts the chance to settle down.
Her name was Junita, she’s Spanish, she works for the NHS and I’m pleased she
does. I’ll be seeing Mr More Scary than Scary in about four weeks to see how
the throat has settled down and to plan the next stage of recovery. I’ll also
be seeing Scary in about three weeks, I’m hoping she’ll stick me onto quarterly
reviews at that point.
I’m a bit of a “Bah Humbug” when it comes to Christmas, if I had my way the decorations would go up on 23rd December and come back down on 27th. However, the kids have reminded me that the last two years have been pretty crap for us over the holiday period. Two years ago I spent Christmas night on a ward in RBH after having developed a rather nasty infection. Of course last year it was getting the news that it was cancer on Christmas Eve that put a bit of a downer on the celebrations. Even though we had a cracking day with Evil Twin and Stuart, there was an undercurrent throughout the day. So this year, they’ve asked, if I wouldn’t mind, if we could have a drama free Christmas. Is it chancing my arm playing a two minute cameo in the annual match up at OBR on Boxing Day?
The
past 10 months have given a lot of lows and a fair few highs.
Firstly
the lows. My mum died and I didn’t get around to saying goodbye. I feel really
old. Constipation is a real pain in the ass! I contracted cancer. March was
really, really, really, really BAD!!! I’ve
cried more often in the last 10 months than in the last 30 years. Crying
through pain, frustration, confusion, exhaustion, and no damn reason at all.
Now
the highs. I’ve learnt that my family and friends are second to none. Carol and
I have had four holidays since June, and we’re still talking to each other.
Rams stayed up in National 2 for another season. I got to see Max play adult
rugby. Anna has managed to get a job she wants before she graduates. The NHS is
bloody wonderful. I’ve published a book. I’m still alive. Crying is actually
quite good for you. I’ve cried tears of joy, laughter, relief, through acts of
random kindness, and for no damn reason at all, because I can.
That’s
it, there’s not really anything else to say now.
As
always, thanks for reading this blog, I really appreciate the feedback I’ve
received over the months of writing.
The
End
