Hunched foetal in the corner
of my soul,
my fingernails are bleeding from climbing up the wall.
my fingernails are bleeding from climbing up the wall.
Morphine Required –
Saturday
– 17.5ml (All explained below!)
Sunday
– None J
Monday
– Nil
Tuesday
– Non
Wednesday
– Nein
Thursday
– Nope
Friday
– ‘Course Not
Week 10
Saturday 19th > Sunday 20th
Well
that didn’t go well did it? I went up to OBR early on Saturday with the
intention of getting some great shots of what was going to be a tough but
crucial game for Rams. By 2.30pm I was in the back of an ambulance being taken
to RBH A&E, much against my wishes after my last experience of a Saturday
in the hospital. This is becoming a bit of a habit. 3 times since I’ve started
treatment I’ve ended up in A&E & on all 3 times it’s been on a
Saturday. I can’t thank enough the friends at OBR who looked after me as I was
taken ill. I’d hoped that no one would ever see me in the lowest ebb but I
should have known that a good friend can look at you when you’re at your lowest
& in extreme pain without judging you. Luckily this time the hospital
sorted me out quickly, albeit painfully & I was on my way home relatively
quickly for a Saturday afternoon. My idea of getting rid of Morphine went
totally out of the window with two big hits required to manage pain levels. The
situation was further compounded by Carol being up in Lincoln picking up Anna
from Uni, again, this is where your friends step in. A good friend came to the
hospital with me from OBR to make sure I wasn’t alone & another old friend
got Max to the hospital too. He came equipped with my iPod, Kindle, phone
charger & protein drinks, fully expecting me to be kept in overnight J
It’s good to have Anna home for the Easter
holiday, & hopefully I’ll be on my feet for most of it. It turns out that
the match at OBR was a tight affair. Rams took an early 26-0 lead only for
Southend to get back to 26-21 at FT, I think my heart may have been at risk if
I’d stayed, but 5 points gained & a step nearer safety for the season.
An
evening spent on the sofa watching England secure their first Grand Slam for 13
years was just what the Dr. ordered, albeit giving away far too many penalties!
Sunday
was a pretty quiet day as to be expected. We went up to OBR as a family for the
first time in god knows how long, mainly to pick up my car. The comments from
just about all I saw ring true, it’s “Take it easy & don’t overdo it”,
seems my friends know me too well J
What was going to be a quick in & out of the club turned out to be a bit
longer as I watched the U16s match & a bit expensive as errant daughter
decided she also wants to come to the End of Season Ball with her current
squeeze, so that’s £300 I’ve spent on tickets! I trust they’re going to pay for
their own booze on the night as I won’t be drinking!
An afternoon nap &
early dinner led nicely into an early night to bed after watching the latest
James Bond, Spectre. I thought it was a tad formulaic of just about every Bond
film I’ve seen. I’ve a few scheduled appointments in the coming week, but it’ll
depend heavily on how I feel as to whether I attend or not, I’m not risking my
health again. Thursday’s appointment with Scary Spice is the only one I’ll
attend come hell or high water.
Monday 21st > Friday 25th
As
we had a busy weekend Carol didn’t get time to do the weekly shop, so as Anna
is home for the holidays we volunteered to do it ourselves. Big mistake…… Now
ok, we had a basic list, but I’m pretty sure prime sirloin steak, cod loin
& whole gammons weren’t on the list. Never mind, I suppose you only live
once. I spent the afternoon making a lasagne which I managed to eat for this
evening. Not a surprise you may say, however that’s a real step forward for me.
It included seasoning, tomato’s, two types of cheese & chorizo sausage, I
haven’t had any of these for about 2 months now, but none of them really had an
adverse effect on my throat, mind you, I couldn’t really taste them much
either, but baby steps forward. I was due to be going to a Playing Committee
Meeting at OBR this evening, but I’ve sent my apologies as I’m not feeling 100%
today, & I’m feeling pretty tired in the evenings.
No
idea what happened on Monday night, but sleep just didn’t want to play ball. I
was awake until about 1am, then again at 3am & 5am, not great. I was close
to taking some morphine to help with sleep, but thought that probably defeats
the object of trying to get myself off the stuff. Waking at 8am & turning
the radio on to the news coming out of Brussels. In a different life I used
Brussels airport at least monthly, sometimes more. I remember well the
departure halls, a superb upstairs bar was a great place to people watch. I
really feel for anyone caught up in the dreadful actions of a minority of
people – Fugazi
Another
fairly long call with Jo this afternoon. She wasn’t too concerned about the
stomach problems as having been injected with a load of crap over the last
couple of months my gut isn’t used to having food stuck into it. Given a couple
of weeks it should settle down again. She was pleased to hear that my voice had
improved, unlike hers which she’d lost last week, sounded pretty croaky still
today J
Also pleased that I’m able to eat most foods without discomfort in my throat.
She is however concerned that my weight is probably still dropping. Her
solution is to supplement my diet with Ensure drinks, even if I’m eating 3
decent meals a day. As I’m looking like an extra from Schindlers List at the
moment I think I’ll follow her advice. She seems to think that the lack of
morphine will be having an adverse effect on my sleeping habits, but has
suggested I keep up with the idea of abstaining unless I’m in pain. I may take
paracetamol before bed as by then my throat is usually feeling a bit tender
from the day’s excess’s.
I
spent a while reading through the blog from Day 1 this afternoon, just to see
what my thoughts & fears were back in December. I wish I could have
followed through with all the plans I had then, specifically the ones relating
to eating, perhaps that would have made things easier as far as recovery goes.
It was quite interesting to see how upbeat I was & how many jokes (ok, my
version of jokes) I made in the early days. It seems a while since I’ve managed
to inject any humour into my writing.
Another
awful night’s sleep, I ended up coming downstairs at 1am & watched an
episode of Breaking Bad, much to the disgust of the cat who was asleep on the
sofa! A meeting in Henley on Wednesday morning was a pleasant change to
routine, hopefully the new Rams website will be online sooner rather than
later, just a bit of tidying up to do on it.
I’m
really going to have to do something about my weight, I’ve gone from 89kg when
I started RT & Chemo down to 72kg now, in old money that’s going from 14
stone down to just over 11 stone in the space of 10 weeks, not healthy at all. I’m
sure somewhere in the house, probably in Max’s bedroom, there is a set of
weights, I’ll see if I can find them & try to put some bulk back on by
exercise, as well as eating as much as I can.
For
various reasons there was no trip to OBR on Wednesday evening, no training or
matches this weekend either. I may go up on Thursday evening to watch the
Titans take on local rivals Reading RFC in a friendly match, it’ll depend on
how I feel after seeing Scary Spice in the afternoon. To be honest I’m getting
a bit nervous about this appointment. I’m not really sure what to expect, other
than I know they won’t be sticking anything down my throat at this juncture. I
guess it’s just a catch up to see how I’m getting on with the road to recovery
& to make sure I’ve not being over doing things, god I hope she hasn’t read
this blog otherwise I’m in deep doodoo J
I know that I’m not due to get my final result for another two months or so,
but I can’t help wondering what the results will be. I’m obviously hoping to
get the all clear, but what if the cancer hasn’t been beaten? What will the next
course of action be? Will there be any point in having more treatment?
Now
to lighten the mood a tad, I saw a video on FB earlier this week from a band
called The Disturbed covering Sound of Silence, this is the live version I
found on YouTube, wow, just wow -
As
we’re all in this evening for dinner for the first time this week I thought I’d
be creative. Spanish Cod Loin A La Clark – a made up concoction & here’s
the recipe.
Prep time about 15 minutes, cooking time about 30
minutes.
This doesn’t need too much seasoning as the pimento
& chorizo have pepper in them & the cod loin has salt J
Cod loin cut into bite sized pieces. (Will work with
any meaty flesh fish)
Chorizo cut into pieces.
Pimento peppers, roughly chopped.
Onion & garlic, roughly chopped.
White wine.
Tin of tomatoes.
Waxy Potatoes cut into bite small pieces.
Parsley, roughly chopped.
Par boil cut potatoes for 5 mins in lightly salted
water, drain.
In a large frying pan fry the chopped chorizo for
about 2 minutes until the oil runs, remove from the pan.
Add onion, garlic & pimento’s & fry gently for
2 – 3 minutes until soft.
Add a large glug of white wine & allow to bubble
down to roughly half the volume.
Add tinned chopped tomatoes plus one tin of water,
simmer down on a low heat for about 20 minutes until the sauce is at a decent
thickness.
Meanwhile in a wok heat sunflower oil until very hot,
add the drained potatoes & stir fry / toss until beginning to brown,
probably about 10 minutes.
Add chunks of cod loin to the tomato sauce, do not
stir or the cod will break up, heat for about 7 – 8 minutes, shaking pan every
couple of minutes.
Add the cooked chorizo & parsley to the potatoes
& give them a good shake.
When the fish is translucent serve with the potatoes
& a decent bottle of red wine (Or if you’re teetotal a bottle of coke!)
Enjoy,
we did J
Yet
another awful night’s sleep, up 3 times.
Anna
& I went into Pangbourne in the morning, coffee & cakes, followed by a
visit to our favourite restaurant, Nino’s to book a table for a week on Friday
to celebrate Anna’s 21st birthday. Both children are bringing their
current squeezes, this could be an expensive evening I think, but at least I’ll
be able to eat his wonderful food!
The
afternoon was spent at RBH for my first check up with Scary Spice since my
treatment finished. I managed the first hurdle quite well by being able to find
a car park space, albeit on the top level which would have knock on effects
later in the day. The first person I saw when I got to the ENT Dept was Julia
(Sports Direct Mum). I’m afraid to say that she looked awful. A brief chat
confirmed that she’s been finding things very difficult & had had to resort
to a feeding tube, not great, but at least she was having that removed today.
Maybe I’ve got away lightly? A 40 minute delay in seeing Scary Spice, but it
was worth the wait. Overall the feedback was very positive. She was totally
disgusted with the treatment I received when I was admitted to Hunter Ward a
few weeks back, but sadly she wasn’t surprised. It transpires that whilst
cancer is fairly common, Neck & Head cancer isn’t. Most GPs wouldn’t have a
clue about the specific issues relating to the form of cancer I’m being treated
for. In the end we decided it was water under the bridge, so let’s move on. The
issue with my weight will be resolved over time, she’s a bit concerned but
seems to think that I’ll gain weight slowly but surely. She was astounded that
I’m already back eating “normal” food so quickly, & that I’ve kicked
morphine into touch already. There’s no reason why I shouldn’t go back to my
pre-treatment diet, albeit taking it easy on things like chillies to start
with. As I’m still not really tasting too much of what I’m eating I think I’ll
just continue with the current diet of decent food which will help me gain
weight. She’s suggested that I start exercising as from next week, so the
weights I repossessed from Max last night will be put to use, as will his
mountain bike. Again, I need to take things easy & not overdo things. I’ll
still be having up’s & down’s & I’ll still be incredibly tired doing
just the simplest of tasks. She’s suggested that I look to go back to work at
the beginning of May, in a phased return, I’ll be discussing this with my boss
at a scheduled meeting next week. She’s also advised that as of the end of
April, if I so wish, I should be able to drink alcohol again, watch this space
as to whether I do or not, the Jury is out at the moment. As far as she’s
concerned I’m in her words “Well ahead of the game” which is just brilliant to
hear, especially as I was feeling so low again yesterday. I’m still going to
have good days & bad days, but I hope the good ones will start to outweigh
the bad ones from here on in. The next step will be to see her again at the end
of April when she’ll stick a camera down my throat to see what’s there &
then it’ll be a scan, probably a month later to ascertain if the cancer has
buggered off or not. I’m not sure if the
weekly calls with CNS Jo will continue or not as she wasn’t in the meeting
today. The visit ended with total chaos in the RBH car park, it took me 45
minutes to get from the top floor to the exit, no idea if that’s normal at 5pm
or not, but it was bloody annoying!
I
didn’t bother going up to OBR in the evening, it was chucking it down & to
be honest I was feeling a tad tired & emotional J
Finally
for today, our new passports have arrived, so tomorrow I’ll be contacting
Ioanna in Corfu for dates in early June & looking at flights.
Friday
was a strange day. Carol, Anna & Max left the house early to drive up to
Wales to see my mother. If you’ve read the blog from the start you’ll know that
my mother is now in a Nursing Home in deepest darkest Wales. The news this week
hasn’t been great & it may well be that she hasn’t much longer left on this
mortal coil. I was advised not to travel due to the risk of picking up an
infection which would put my recovery back. Now this may sound heartless,
however my mother doesn’t know what day of the week it is, let alone be able to
recognise me. If she hangs on for a few more weeks I’ll get up there to say
goodbye to her in my own way.
I
thought it was about time my mask got a permanent home, rather than sitting on
the back of the sofa. So it’s now hanging, pride of place, in my office. When
I’m back at work I’ll be able to look up at it & remind myself that however
crap my day has been, it’s not as bad as having cancer.
I
spent the morning working on some bits & pieces for the new Rams website, a
bit more to do over the weekend, but getting close to launch now. Oh, &
then I booked our holiday J
.
11 nights
in Arillas from 10th June, just what we both need. A chance to relax
& enjoy each others company. All this done whilst blasting tunes out of the
iPod can’t beat a bit of Aerosmith whilst working. I’ve also been surfing Halfords
& Decathlon looking at either Hybrid or Road bikes, I’ve looked at Max’s
bike but it’s not really suitable for me. Any advice would be gratefully
received.
I’ve
no idea what the weekend holds for us, but it won’t be a visit to RBH A&E
Dept. The forecast is pretty pants so it may be a case of hunkering down with
films on the TV, perhaps The Great Escape J
Thanks
for reading.
To
be continued…………………….
#shouldertoshoulder
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